Urrrrgh!

Just don’t text them. Just speak to them when spoken to.

My mind just gets tangled up in a random mix and assortment of ideas and emotions. It confuses me greatly.
:(

I can't bring myself to stay away!

Reading back through recent blogs has made me realise that what people say about me sometimes is absolutely right. I am SO miserable! I am just 18 (I just accidentally typed 15, aha oops) and I am taking my tiny life far too seriously. So here goes for another attempt for a lighter narrative of the goings on of my life.

I know that I said that I would keep away and jot paper instead but I realised that I don’t like paper. It annoys me because writing is an effort that I just don’t need to do. I seem to be wasting my summer away on laptops and watching gossip girl so far (I cannot believe that I have done nothing but this for a whole week) and so this is much more convenient and accessible than the paper stuffed around my room. This also has spell check, muaha.

So, as I was saying, my summer which was said to be full of exciting trips and occasions has been so far, a little bit of a let down. I’m not blaming anyone else for this, fully aware it is my fault, but I just feel a bit bummed about this fact! It so far has consisted of my new stupid addiction to a facebook game (frontierville if you were wondering) which has made me wonder if I subconsciously want to be a farmer of some kind instead of a pharmacist when I grow up; the boring boring boring nights out in Basingstoke town getting drunk which are only acceptable because of my friends and watching gossip girl season 2 (even though I haven’t watched season 1...) which I adore but not yet as obsessed as I was with Grey’s Anatomy. This is a plus I guess!

That was the lighthearted narrative of the events in my summer so far.
Apart from marmaris.
I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST FORGOT ABOUT TURKEY!
Ohhhhh my lord.
It was amazing. I’m not even exaggerating, just top notch really. I couldn’t have asked for more. And even though some of my friends didn’t get on that well (one in particular who didn’t enjoy it that much I feel) I still love all my girls and like to reminisce about the memories created on this holiday whilst doing nothing at home sat on my sofa and drinking cups of tea.

I honestly didn’t know how I survived a week without tea in Marmaris! Naomi and I shared a room and invested heavily in drinking Peach Iced tea instead, which was a winnnnn decision! Nectar of the gods - I recall saying this when rather drunk and guzzling it at 4am after a drunken night out. Rather embarrassing comment but fitting I feel! I drank this iced tea at home (the apartments I mean), by the pool and sometimes with meals and therefore it definitely replaced my ‘non-iced’ tea addiction.
Here’s a fact for you: did you know that peach in Turkish actually means bastard? We asked a waiter what it meant after being told by someone it was very rude. How amusing that we were asking in restaurants; “bastard, iced tea?” We must have looked like rude foreigners, aha!

Anywho, off to tidy my room.
... ahahahahahahahaa.
Who am I kidding. I say this yet I’ll probably just touch it a bit and end up reading more of my book of the moment, ‘The Historian’. It is really very good!

In the style of Gossip Girl.
You know you love me, XOXO
BRH <3
Just because I am awesomely sad!

I am tempted to go back to paper.

Blogs are stupid.
Diaries are better.
No judgments.
Just word vomit.
No pressure to create a masterpiece from fragments of unorganised ideas swirling in the mind.
I might well just stop.
At least for a while.

If it's not broke don't fix it. If it is broke ditch it.

Take me back. Please to god take me back.

I never thought that I could fall in love so hard with another country as I have done, but Turkey, you are my one true love. Marmaris - the pervy turkish men = my heaven.
I got away from everything, just like I asked for, with the best people in the world but now the things that I have run away from seem to have manifested themselves to be 1 hundred billion times worse on return. It serves me right really. Face things. Do not run. It may be complicated. It may be 1 and a half years of my so far very small life.

If it's not broke, don't fix it.

But I am broke and about to be thrown away into the tip of other broken hearts where we all groan and grieve and stress solitarily whilst secretly yearning on the lost ones.

I act like the virginal victim in this situation - we all know that isn't true. I have been worse in this and the worst part is that they do not realise this. I am being a total bitch and they just think that it is all their fault they are feeling this way. It is not. I made them feel this way through my wandering eyes, my epic moodswings and unadventurous nature. I have been almost dumped before on the grounds of 'groundhog day' and it seems to have reared it's ugly head again.
Perhaps I am just not that fun and interesting person that people can stick around with? Perhaps I am meant to be alone in life, just loving people till they visibly get fed up and then leave.

Please at least put me in my place so we can both attempt to make this summer the supposed 'best of our lives'.
It is definately not shaping up that way.

I want to go back, I want to run away again.

Take me back. Please to god take me back.

The currents will drag us away from our love.

I read an exquisite, beautiful piece of writing today. It was written as a GCSE coursework piece by a 16 year old, but she is absolutely stunning in her ideas and the way she portrays it onto the paper.
The story was about “The Pursuit” and this girl chose the pursuit of peace and final acceptance of a cancer patient in death. Ok, I cried buckets reading this but you’d have to be soulless not to.
It did make me think. If I died tomorrow, or even within the next month, what have I done with my life yet? I haven’t done half the things I want to, visit the places in the world I’d give a kidney to see or wasted my money on frivolous pleasures available to me just because I wanted to.
Some say that the attitude of ‘live every day like it’s your last’ is irresponsible, not planning for the long term, but I think there is something in it. What if you don’t have a long term? What if God has other plans for you? Your life spent on this planet wouldn’t have been half as exciting as it would have been if you’d spent that extra money or been that little more adventurous.
I’m really not one to talk – I am the most uninspired, tight and boring person when it comes to things like this. I am saving for my future like a good girl and trying not to blow it on little things to make me happy for a few moments, shallow things that only I would enjoy – a cheeky chocolate bar, those shoes you’ve been umming and ahhing over for weeks.

Well, epiphany moment of the week.

In summer I am going to make the most of every moment I can.
I am going to attempt not to be boring and just milk the beautiful and amazing moments that will come my way (even if it does involve spending a bit of money – in the long run, it might well be worth it).
How do you know, unless you try it?

Hmm.
I am feeling rather philosophical.
I just hope I’m not writing this for the sake of it and don’t make the changes I say!

BRH <3

P.S. I apologise to my blog page who has been left lonely for a while. I said I wouldn't let tumblr take over... but I have recently! http://wwww.challett.tumblr.com
It's far too addictive for it's own good!!

I have never felt so alone.

All my friends are around me.
I have my family close at hand.
My boyfriend loves me to the ends of the earth.

Then why is it that I feel so alone?
I read my friends blog, and almost her mind, and find that she's in love.
The girl who never would love in her life, is in love.
That makes me sad, because I am not.
I am going to be a lonely old maid with an acceptable job and a mundane husband, but without any outstanding ambitions or memories to console myself with.

I wish I had love that could set me free.
Strangely I feel it's at my fingertips, if only I were brave enough to turn my life upsidedown and grab it.

And even then I think I am kidding myself with my own imagination and ridiculous thoughts.
Like anyone would turn their life upsidedown for me, leave everything they had on a whim, just to give it a try.
That's fantasy fit for a fairytale - definately not a story taken from my book.

It's not going to happen.
The supposed best summer of my life is going to deflate in front of my eyes because I am jealous and want to be wild.
I don't think I'd suit the crazy lifestyle.
I am simply plain. Plain Jane.
The girl who won't even get a backie home or jump a fence to get a rush.

I don't think I've felt like this in a while.

Someone set me free.

I love you, well, most of the time.

My main irk at the moment has to be that used feeling that I get from some people. If you knew me you would not think that I would want to be everyone’s best friend – sometimes I’m just a little too distant for people’s likings and have very bitchy tendencies. But the feelings I get of being rejected over that ‘popular’ girl? Ouch. I thought these things were meant to finish at school? Two of my close guy mates are trying to get in with a pretty, rich girl, who also ignores me, so when she is around do I even get a glance or a second of their time? No. I am the one they come to for, well, nothing anymore. It actually pains me to be that friend who they willingly come running to if I have anything to offer or if they need me for something but get all too frequently ignored for anyone slightly more popular. I am a door mat. I just let them walk all over me when it suits them and feel the hurt when they don’t want me anymore, not even just to see me and have a catch up. Perhaps I am being too sensitive. Oh, I don’t know. All I know is that I hate it.

BRH
<3