End of an Era

So, it was my last day of college today – EVER. How strange/weird/scary/enter any word which describes my emotion, nostalgia and sadness about this. I can’t even comprehend how fast that time went, if I could give advice to any of the up and coming first years I think it would be: WORK in your first year, yeah sure play is fun but you will regret it second year when you are retaking what feels like your whole life in exams; don’t hate it – college is actually really fun if you stop complaining and especially once you realize that after college, you have to grow up; don’t be disappointed just because your life doesn’t turn into skins once out of school, let’s face it, who even wants to be a skanky drug whore anyway? Those kids are jerks.
I have had so many good times at that place, especially the second year when I’ve met so many new friends – being 18 really is the shit. I’m not kidding. I was pretty much the eldest in my year, being born in September and everything, so I don’t feel the pain of the younger kids only just turning 18, but when you do everything feels brighter! ADULTHOOD! You could look at it like, ohhh man responsibilities OR you could do what we do and get crunk off your faces at every opportunity you get – that’s right, it doesn’t get old!

I don’t even regret having a boyfriend throughout college - I’d hate to have gained a name for myself/got pregnant/got syphilis. Although slagging round does sound kinda fun… not sleeping round, just dancing/flirting/cheeky kissing anyone you fancy. Doesn’t that sound like an enjoyable evening?! University, if I end up being separated and single again, ought to be rather lush.
Now this is something I am defiantly looking forward to! NOTTINGHAM! Although, I have to get through these exams that at the moment I seem to be failing… I have been getting straight A’s throughout my time but recently have slipped spectacularly to a C. Plus, I now have the fear after my resit I did the other day. Seriously, I forgot how terrifying that feeling is when you forget everything in an exam situation.

The kings… the kings… what the fuck do I know about the fucking kings… quotes… I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!

PANICPANICPANIC! It’s awful! And yet I don’t seem to be actively revising much… RIGHT need to do this. I have my first exam in a reaaaaally short space of time. In fact, it is in 10 days. Awr fuck.
On that note.
Revise time.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

BRH <3

I am getting crunk tonight for the first time without my boyfriend being there in a while… I feel getting CRUUUUNK and flirting/cheeky dancing, wouldn’t you? Ohh, don’t judge, you’d be the same!

It's a shame you don't know what you're running from.

I have a big fat exam tomorrow. Ok, sure it is a retake, but an ACTUAL exam. I think that I have done hardly any revision for it – the odd hour here and there dedicated (I may be slightly under exaggerating) but who am I going to blame if I fail (yes, I did just type when and delete is as I do not want to tempt fate just yet). Well I shall tell you – not myself. I have this sneaky habit of finding useful and well placed scapegoats for such events, I just need to find one if I end up failing my life and going to Portsmouth University. Ok, there’s nothing wrong with Portsmouth but it’s no Nottingham right? It will probably end up being my boyfriend who has actually been more understanding about the less time together thing during exams than I expected! He is an unpredictable fellow at times and I was very worried about this time apart. To be frank, we both know it is pretty bad at this point in time – mostly because of me. As my mother nicely put it, we’re stale. I just haven’t yet worked out the trick of spicing things up yet, spicing MYSELF up. How is it that I am the same, if not more, energetic and bubbly person whilst around my friends and act like a zombie around the person that I love? It feels like a habit – something that I can’t actually see a way out of. I know I need to slap myself in the face and move forwards with something, anything. We’re in a rut and I need to man up, strap on a pair and DEAL with it – I just can’t seem to find those strap-on-able testicles through the shroud of darkness when I’m with him. How bad is that?

On a brighter note Ellie Goulding’s album is beautiful. It speaks to me more than many artists have before – Kelly Clarkson; Vanessa Carlton; Imogen Heap are examples of other indescribable artists that have just struck that chord in my soul. How cheesey does that sound, I know! But just give her a listen, she just makes sense. Her lyrics, her unique voice and her electro-like but soft, musical melodies are just… beyond words. Absolutely massive girl crush. Ellie, I take salute you.



I have had such an ingenious idea. If I got a formspring, but only put a link to it on here! Ok, I know I sound like I'm mad but I am intrigued as to how many people actually look at my blog. Ok, a stupid idea I know. You could just leave a comment expressing that you read it. So much easier! Ahh, I am a wasted mind.

BRH <3

The girl who fails at life #2

Here is another list of why I fail – I am just going to bullet point this entry for a couple of reasons. Mostly for lazy purposes but my brain is frying from trying to cram Ancient Greek History also. Who cares about Lysander or Alcibiades? I could definitely live without Plutarch and his stupid unreliable biographies too. If I pass this exam it shall be an actual Godly miracle and I may start attending church.

1) I am going to a party tonight instead of studying. I know, makes a change. I also have work tomorrow which is just an even bigger fail. My friends who do not have jobs seem to think this shall be easy, working hungover. They do NOT understand. It is horrendous.

2) At this party my boyfriend and I are guaranteed to argue – it’s a tradition as Tom and Caroline are not going. Someone needs to, and it always seems to be at this same house. This girl is also my best friend so I feel bad when I anger my boyfriend and he, for example, punches a picture on the wall sending glass fragments flying everywhere and getting stuck in everyones feet for the rest of the night. I offered to pay, but she is far too lovely to accept. I may leave money in her house one day to make up for it – I feel so bad when my unruly and angry boyfriend gets out of control because of me. I am a pretty awful girlfriend in that respect.

3) Ok so I can’t think of any other reasons as to why I am a fail – I just am, ok?

So there’s this thing going around – the latest internet craze if you will: formspring. It is really the most ridiculous idea as it just leads to bitching about people instead of its intended use of asking anonymous questions. But I am intrigued by this and really want to get one! This plan only has one flaw – I have the largest self esteem issues and would cry if anyone wrote anything mean and also my life is not controversial in the slightest. People would have nothing to write on there except mean things as my life has nothing exciting or outrageous events occurring in it at the moment, and even if it did I’m not sure if I’d like to be picked up for it all anyway. Ok, so formspring is definitely not a good idea for me! I’m just so curious…

Anyway, wish me luck for my party tonight. Random and badly written entry, so apologies but I was bored with revision and procrastination is the answer! I did tell you you’d be hearing from me an awful lot during this period of my life!

BRH <3

You fulfil my fantasies in my head.

My life at the moment isn’t the most fantastic of worlds for a number of reasons.

For one, I am a bitch. Yep, that’s it. I can’t even believe that I have been having some of the awful thoughts I have been recently and actually almost acting on them. I would have pretty much messed up my college life when I only have three weeks left. It would have been ruined in a couple of stupid and un-thought-out mistakes that really, when I look back on them now, aren’t worth bothering about. I mean, when has life ever been easy at the best of times never mind after a life altering decision? I am still so naïve sometimes about life and other people that it scares me – I am very much not ready to leave home into the big wide world and actually be an adult. And that day is approaching FAR too fast for my liking!

For seconds, all the world seems to be talking about at the moment is ‘The Fear’. For those of you unaware of this hideous feeling, it is the emotion felt when you realise that you have exams terrifyingly soon and that you know absolutely nothing. I have this feeling. However, my friends seem to be positively acting on this – revising and panicking etc. I seem to just be my usual lazy self. Bury head in the sand syndrome. That means that the time won’t actually arrive, right? WRONG. It is going to. I need to aspire in myself ‘The Terror’. “If I do not get my grades I am actually going to cry. For about 5 years” says one little voice in my head. There is another small one whispering desperately “please do some work!” but this seems to be being drowned out by my lazy voice who seems to think that I can blag the upcoming most important exams of my LIFE (so far).

So the sort my life out plan has not worked.
I should just rename this blog – the girl who fails at life because that is all I seem to be describing at the moment! Well, I hope I am making you feel more positive about yours at least.

BRH <3

Everything I want, but all that I don't need.

I do this thing sometimes where I write myself a list of things that I think of to blog about – stupid little things on a whim that I feel like having a rant about usually! But I have waited so long since my last blog that many things I wrote down I can’t actually remember what I wanted to say; my sister thoughts, doughnuts and blossom were on my list.

My most important one I shall write about though is my life. I need a detox. I realised how absolutely awful I am at saying no to alcohol too this week. Friday foam party. OH MY LORD the best thing ever, trust me if you ever get the chance to go to one – DO IT! Unless you have a phobia of drowning... the foam actually came up to my neck from the floor at one point and my tall friend rescued me! Anyway, got very drunk then. Sunday it was an acquaintances BBQ/party thing where I ended up actively driving home so I could drink. Tuesday I skipped work (so my new manager now despises me – although the person who was MEANT to be covering for me bailed last minute urggh) to go out and get drunk and see La Roux with my extremely bad influential friend. It was an ok night too. And Wednesday, last night, I went out for my boyfriends birthday (and therefore first night out) and ended up getting smashed off my face.

So I decided I want a new job, a new attitude and a generally new me!! I am not happy with my life at the moment and I realise that I have to just cut all those negative feelings away, watch them float off into the sunset and wish them good riddance on their journey.

But have I actually done this yet? No. Fail life.

I also would LOVE a tattoo, as part of my pro change attitude I guess. I probably like the idea of one more than actually going through with it though – I’d like a musical note protruding from a birdies mouth having a lovely singsong, but I don’t know the design or where I’d get it either – ankle is a cute thing and easy to hide too... but when I get old or pregnant it might go funny. And it would HURT! Argh, maybe I should just leave my body alone? What to do, what to do?

This was a random, awfully written post. Apologies. Not that anyone is actually reading this but hey! :)

BRH <3